Louis

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 05:12:42 GMT

moved to carollton. actually a small suburb close by. mind you, a small suburb of a shitty small town ...........is an even shittier smaller town.

got no phone or internet. been looking into cell phone plans.
but im off the couch at psiu.

since i havent had any phone or internet, ive only talked to people a few times or checked email or chatted on aim at labs once or twice. this isnt wholly bad (few things rarely are, but thats another topic). i havent
been as lonely cut off from people as i would have thought. so ive decided to quit livejournal and chatting online. its just not fulfilling. so if you want to talk, you know where to find me or ask someone at psiu.

-louis

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 10:30:05 GMT

I have put my poetry on the web. here is the link to my friends page that has it up.

http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~gtg473q/index/index.html

doh, but now that i checked it there are some 404 errors. ah well more work for later.

Thu, 02 Oct 2003 11:55:15 GMT

the blur of twilight
signals the movement of time.
continously tired, alone.
the distance between late night thoughts
and early morning motivations growing smaller,
weighted down by loneliness and confusion.
my words fall to the floor, stale;
and sometimes my gaze
remembers someone was talking,
but had forgotten the words.

Wed, 10 Sep 2003 23:51:23 GMT

got horribly sick yesterday. missed hanging out at atari's place to watch movies.
upside, a few hours ago i started to feel better.

Tue, 09 Sep 2003 02:55:16 GMT

the male version, you cannot describe yourself as wise.
i find that amusing, as for all the women ive ever known, i havent known one that was wise.
yeah i know, the whole women are intuitive/wise women steretype, but all the other aspects of wisdom ive never seen in the women i know.

http://quizilla.com/users/EerieFreek/quizzes/What%20would%20your%20Japanese%20name%20be%3F%20(female)/

Thu, 28 Aug 2003 10:17:03 GMT

sometimes I envy people their social training. ive always had trouble dealing with people. even after years of trying to figure stuff out. oh, i can get along well enough watching movies or stuff like that. but throw me in a large party or when someone has an attitude and suddenly everything feels uncertain. and its strange, cause all alone everything is certain, i know myself. i know exactly what i am and who i want to be and what i want to do. but i dont know my place in relation to the rest of the world.
i dont know how to get what i want. there just doesnt seem to be a place for a thoughtful person that doesnt care about glamour, wit, appearance.

I cannot escape my other half

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 22:00:45 GMT

Mon, 16 Dec 2002 20:55:56 GMT

headed to florida the 18th. im looking forward to running on the beach again.

things uncertain about school, but if all goes well, then i should be attending georgia perimeter jan 5th.

Fri, 30 Aug 2002 07:54:17 GMT

I wrote this a long time ago, but found it fitting.

DO EXIT

nay,nay, go out upon the world
as if you still are the same
as when the book first opened
or the story started

nay,nay, go back to your society
to your races, to your clans
your prayer, your religion
slink back to your jobs
run back to your homes
forget and take comfort in the arms of reality
so exit, do exit

nay,nay, hold fast to your preconeptions
never let go of your traditions
maintain your illusions, keep your masks
do not question
forget about what thoughts gleamed from pearls
or what dark mists was beaten away by the dreams of fools
so exit, do exit

trip to athens -> from the gut

Sun, 25 Aug 2002 19:18:26 GMT

all i wanted was to chill out with and talk with two friends in athens that i hadnt seen in awhile (P and J), see how their life has been going, have two people i want to talk to spend some time with me after i had such a stressful week helping with rush. but i didnt get to and it sucks. (some my fault, bad planning, bad timing, social ineptitude). im just mad at circumstance, not at people. grrrr.......

-whiny bitch thorn

of Vice and Virtue

Wed, 14 Aug 2002 06:54:33 GMT

i think the way we see vices and virtues is a little one-sided. i would say that for each virtue there is a side to it that is a flaw, and for each vice there is a side to it that is a virtue. past the percieved/superficial boundary that we see, lies other things that we dont think about.

lets take honesty. lots of people say they adore honesty, they treasure it, etc. but i dont think people know what honesty is, nor what it looks like. i think that through myth/society we have this percieved view of honesty being this great thing that we want, but when presented with the actual article, dont want it anymore or even see it as it is.
what comes along with the package of honesty? wanting to speak the truth, which means disagreeing with people. pointing things out, making sure people know your intentions (which might make you seem defensive), etc.

self-confidence: for awhile ive been trying to figure out what self-confidence is built on. and ive narrowed it down to 2 things. Bravado or self-centeredness.
one is just an illusion, and the other one is being in a constant state of "i dont care". (damn, i had more of this in my head earlier but i lost it.)

other things i was thinking about, thoughtfullness versus quick-thinking

why is it that guys fall for ice queens and girls for assholes? well, one of my theories is that what we fall for are supposed virtues or attractive things, but are really just the skewed reflection of a flaw.

--------------------------------
i spoke with a girl on aol a long time ago about her guy problems. she said that she had a fear of commitment, so she would try to harden her heart to keep people out. but at the same time she would end up falling for these assholes and get hurt. so i saw the connection, and told her, and she couldnt seem to understand that one probably was causing the other. if she built a deadly forest around her heart, then only the tough or the lucky would be able to get there. the (not-lucky-in-circumstance) sensitive nice guy will probably see the forest and go, well hell, id get my feelings trounced the whole fing way and thatl suck. but the confident asshole will be like, all right, lets go, il stop by for some tea on the way there. the deadlier the forest, the cooler the asshole will have to appear, the tougher his heart will have to be, the more snazzy hel appear to you, the worse you get hurt -> ad infinitum stupid girl.

Fri, 26 Jul 2002 19:11:04 GMT

someone asked if killing was wrong, and why. so i figured id explain my viewpoint.

I think killing people is wrong.
as to the why -> long story but il shorten it. I think that only in how we interact with other people can there be wrong. (yes, that implies that anything one does by oneself isnt wrong. which i also believe) but more specifically, any time one person imposes his/her decision on another person thats when i consider it wrong OR when a person fails to meet the responsibilities towards other people that he/she said they would. so killing people would be the ultimate expression of the first case.

justification....... i think of that meaning that you take a wrong thing and turn it into something that isnt so bad.

lets say someone hires someone to kill me. they come for me. the instant they try anything, they are saying with their actions that is what they want. so if i only get shot in the arm and then raise my gun and shoot the person in the head. i dont think it was ever wrong.
this is different than what people call self-defense. if a man comes at me with a baseball bat, it would be wrong for me to kill him. his actions are only saying he wants to beat the crap out of me. it wouldnt be wrong of me to shoot him in the leg. then the other leg, then grab the baseball bat and knock him once or twice.

the stopping of other people enforcing their will on others (when your a bystander) is a topic left for another time if anyone is interested, hehe

Thu, 23 May 2002 02:55:12 GMT

sometimes at night when im thinking, i want to run through a forest. i feel excited, exasperated, caged, free. thoughts and feeling coarsing through me. like a prisoner in this stone place,alone. i want to run like i did at the beach yesterday morning. wind hitting me, my feet hitting the foam with every step. except i dont want to stop. it feels great to move, to have my heart race. the rythm of the waves and my legs pumping. the repitition of muscles and breath.

this is what i feel when i get a surge of thought. i saw something great, it made me think, to wonder, to hope. an episode of buffy the vampire slayer. sounds stupid but you have to find truth in even the silliest of places. those who say they need something great, to think of something great. is deluding themselves.
anyways, back to the thought. first a backdrop. because like most of me, it takes time. not complicated, cause when its said and done its simple, but deep.
there are two characters i can identify with in the show. xander and spike.
spike knows himself well, and is not afraid to call it like it is. he also does things his own way.
when xander is first introduced, hes a pushover. runs from battles. but he's funny. and every once in awhile he says something that everyone just stares at him cause they dont get it. but if you think about it for a moment it made sense. a lot of sense. but they dont take him seriously.
back to the episode i saw. well buffy is running from a certain truth. and xander sees this. not only does he see it, but he confronts her. the truth is more important than if she gets mad at him. and he makes her realize something.
it was just a powerful moment. not like physical powerful, but even better. one guy, taking the courage to stand up for whats right. knows hes going to piss her off, and can get the living snot beatin out of him. and even though he doesnt have to do it, he does it. long story short. seeing that made me have hope and made me think. that maybe i can make a positive difference in peoples lives.

Thu, 23 May 2002 02:54:33 GMT

Thu, 23 May 2002 02:53:13 GMT

Tue, 21 May 2002 01:29:18 GMT

im a creature of repitition and habit. its hard to get something started, but once i do its easy to keep it up. i like the possible results of meeting new people, but not the process at first. the familiarity of things, people, or places i already know, is a comfort.

sometimes though I like to try new things, or be spontanious. taking drives or walks to where i dont know. stopping off places ive never been to, just to see what its like.

Mon, 22 Apr 2002 08:07:44 GMT

I havent updated here for a long time. I wrote another poem. Doing ok'ish in school but because of lack of motivation and how I feel, even if I dont fail out I am going to switch schools.

Tue, 02 Apr 2002 09:23:02 GMT

I also have this really f**king cool idea for a new language. Based on a different way of encoding words. Well I thought of a number followed by a symbol as being a word. So there can be up to ten different meanings for the same word. Like all 1's = noun. 2's = verb. 3's = formal. etc.
Like 1(symbol for "blue") = blue the color
while 2(symbol for "blue") = blew the verb
then for longer "words" just add another symbol onto it.

Since english is only letters (26 variations) strung together, then this is more efficient in terms of space. Some of the sample symbols I have come up with so far
have a visual meaning tied closely with the word. So another test is if most of the symbols are tied together with the meaning.

I also thought that hand movements could be incorporated into speech to provide the same effect, only for a spoken language. The symbols I have come up with so far have hand movements that seem to "fit". Not only that but they could work independently.
Such that someone who couldnt speak could use hand motions, and someone who couldnt use their hands/arms could speak. In those cases it would just be "simpler" and provide less depth but still be usable.

need to figure out average word lenght, and average # of strokes per
letter.
I also need to find someone who knows conji so I can try to figure out whether my language is more effecient than conji.

Tue, 02 Apr 2002 09:09:00 GMT

When I am alone, and its just me with my thoughts or me doing things, I am quite myself and feeling confident and not happy but content. I think I just need reassurance from those people who want to be my friends every once in awhile. Too bad people just are way too caught up with their own lives to think about me most of the time. So I was on my way to the technopoetry thing, and I felt good. And I remembered that most of the time when its just me and I am not thinking about anything sad I do feel good. That feeling lasted even when I was amidst people for most of it.

If I can just hold onto that feeling. =) I also made this cool little ritual in my head. I took off my ring and wont be wearing it anymore unless.... I start doubting myself in which case I put on the ring and try to recapture the feeling. Hey, it worked for one day at least.

Sun, 31 Mar 2002 12:11:48 GMT

wow. that... sucked. someoen else I cared about just left me. and it seems like the permanent sort of way. i think there might be something wrong with me.....

and if you happen to be fg or walking raven, dont comment please.

Sun, 31 Mar 2002 09:33:16 GMT

oh yeah, forgot two small events. one was a girl (another girl), tried to get my beads. i didnt give them to her. cause she just walked up and asked for them, then told me I didnt need them when I said no. she asked what she could do to get them. (yes, im shy, and a loser apparently) I told her I didnt know. then she told asked for them again and then said well your no fun.

the second one was I was standing back and just chillin. feeling kinda relaxed cause it wasnt towards the end of the night. and some guy walked up to me and asked me if I was ok. when I told him yeah, he said that I looked really pissed off. well I wasnt pissed off then. I dont like that. looking pissed off when I am not. its seems people stay away from me.

Sun, 31 Mar 2002 09:19:36 GMT

went to fantasm. lots and lots of people, like hundreds. and i have never felt so utterly alone. the only shafts of light in the darkness were when justin and peggy (two friends of mine, who took some time out to talk to me). oh, and two girls said hi to me. one looked at my badge and said hi thorn. and then walked off. later on I went and started talking to her but she got bored and walked off. the other girl was small and blonde and quite cute. she walked up to me and handed me a drink and talked with me for a few minutes and licked my neck. and then I realized she just wanted my beads cause she asked for them and went on to the next person. later on I said who knows to myself and tried talking to her later but no avail.
I also tried talking to a few other girls, not even a long conversation. its kinda sad when two girls saying hi to me was a big event.

I didnt regret going. it was an experience. I sold myself at the slave auction, and beforehand I learned a few interesting things. I went for the highest bid for a guy. $50. but the person who got the highest bid was a guy. thankfully I didnt have to do anything uncomfortable.

Thu, 14 Mar 2002 12:37:35 GMT

i hate this game of pretend. oh sure, im fine. see, look at my face, im not crying.
nothing too horrible has happened recently. people ask me how im doing like its some trivial thing. so i just say decent or pretty good. my face is no longer mine, just a mask.

i hate walking around trying to be strong. doing homework. pretending like there isnt something wrong.

i feel dead inside. at night I look outside my window, and i wonder what i have to live for. im not doing anything thats meaningful. school, hang out with buds, just blargh. i feel not understood, not wanted. every time I try to open up to someone I care about it just goes badly.
i ripped my poetry off the walls outside. no one noticed. why is it so easy for people to stop caring about me. why do i end up caring for people.....

every once in awhile I get to see something bright, i get to talk with this girl online. im starting to care for her. i think shes just going to leave me, or force me to leave her. thats what always happens. i tried opening up to her and be weak, but she started shaking and having some sort of fit, and it was no longer about me at all.
no one wants to give to me, they all just take. whether its someone to listen to and not get upset, money, whatever. i ended up giving. but now that im on the floor
there aint anyone to give back.

Fri, 21 Dec 2001 18:11:47 GMT

well, starting to get ready to go to visit my mother for christmas. only thing left to do is go to the financial aid office for a loan. man, i hope i can get one. its making me anxious, but since this is my last day to do it i kinda have to.

Sat, 15 Dec 2001 09:30:36 GMT

girl is flirting heavily with guy, and I went next door to guy's room to give tylenol and they were up in his loft. never felt so disrespected in my entire fucking life. its next door, a scant couple of days after we broke up. it makes no difference whether they were fucking or whether they were holding each other or talking close to each other. next DOOR, like, I have to walk by to go to the restroom type Next door.

tried to go to sleep but was too hurt/miffed/upset. what should I do? get over it of course. but why the fuck does everybody get to hurt me and i cant do anything about it. i could tell them to go fuck themselves i guess. want to talk to someone that cares...... but i ran out of those. no one is online, no one here that i can talk to. and everytime i open up to people they just get mad at me or get upset. i know i was wrong sometimes and could have done things better but for heavens sake at least wait a little bit before flirting and showering attention on someone else that lives right next to me.